he scores all our runs...essential to the team
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
what your coach does all day
you're probably asking yourself, man, this coaching business is puppy chow, what the hell does coach A really do all day? because i know you think i'm just coasting downhill now, as all the games are lined up, fletch got the permits, y'all bringing fine cheap beer by the dozen, but no. NO. you need to know that the varied daily duties of email shittalking keep me busy almost every hour of nearly every day, for there is no rest for the provoker!
when a new game and a new team are on the horizon, my first step is research. who are these losers? have we played them before? did we win? are they cute? what weaknesses can we exploit? what are their ideological leanings? and so on and so forth.
then comes the email composition stage, replete with puns and insults, clever antecdotes from current events, all necessary to thwart our enemies. what greeting should i use? is "hey scumbag, i hear you losers are under investigation" inappropriate? will any f-bombs prevent my email from reaching the @senate.gov domain?
then, i must talk up our assets: our most awesome scoring history, the sombrero, our hot cute tank tops, and our third base coaching prowess, Joel, all to instill both fear and awe in the potential opponents.
then, i must excite the team, enthrall bases loaded with fantasies of victory, hot lawyers, tube steaks and post-game libations.
now of course, don't think there aren't any consequences from this daily strike...because they are many: the death threats, the unwelcome advances from team captains (shudder), the "please take me off this list" responses...
all in a [government] day's work!
as such, the past few weeks have seen more shittalking than ever. faced with rain cancellations, the rumours of non-roster ringers, the increased political friction hovering over the capitol, ned leaving (tear), my bold statement declaring to the other 169 team captains that Bases Loaded is the "hands down cutest" team in the league may have gone too far. yes, i did say we play in bikini bottoms and tight tank tops and lots of mascara, where our cuteness is only surpassed by our near-perfect excecution of the bend and snap. um, and in a reply-to-all haste i did liken the guys on our team to "male cheerleaders," the post-high school metaphor to describe losers who get to hang out with all the hot chicks, but that we'll still crush them because our girly men are the finest third base coaches around.
that being said, this next game has a lot at stake.
for one, we are playing for champion of the universe, total supreme league hotness, eternal bragging rights and well, if we lose we have to give them Joel.
so come on out, look hot ladies, and WIN! do it for the team, do it for Joel.
when a new game and a new team are on the horizon, my first step is research. who are these losers? have we played them before? did we win? are they cute? what weaknesses can we exploit? what are their ideological leanings? and so on and so forth.
then comes the email composition stage, replete with puns and insults, clever antecdotes from current events, all necessary to thwart our enemies. what greeting should i use? is "hey scumbag, i hear you losers are under investigation" inappropriate? will any f-bombs prevent my email from reaching the @senate.gov domain?
then, i must talk up our assets: our most awesome scoring history, the sombrero, our hot cute tank tops, and our third base coaching prowess, Joel, all to instill both fear and awe in the potential opponents.
then, i must excite the team, enthrall bases loaded with fantasies of victory, hot lawyers, tube steaks and post-game libations.
now of course, don't think there aren't any consequences from this daily strike...because they are many: the death threats, the unwelcome advances from team captains (shudder), the "please take me off this list" responses...
all in a [government] day's work!
as such, the past few weeks have seen more shittalking than ever. faced with rain cancellations, the rumours of non-roster ringers, the increased political friction hovering over the capitol, ned leaving (tear), my bold statement declaring to the other 169 team captains that Bases Loaded is the "hands down cutest" team in the league may have gone too far. yes, i did say we play in bikini bottoms and tight tank tops and lots of mascara, where our cuteness is only surpassed by our near-perfect excecution of the bend and snap. um, and in a reply-to-all haste i did liken the guys on our team to "male cheerleaders," the post-high school metaphor to describe losers who get to hang out with all the hot chicks, but that we'll still crush them because our girly men are the finest third base coaches around.
that being said, this next game has a lot at stake.
for one, we are playing for champion of the universe, total supreme league hotness, eternal bragging rights and well, if we lose we have to give them Joel.
so come on out, look hot ladies, and WIN! do it for the team, do it for Joel.
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