i broke a nail!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
season 2006 is over...
my dear team,
before i send a scathing email to the shaw residents listserv about that gentrifing biyatch who let her dog shit in center field during our warm up, it is with great sadness yet pride that our epic 5th season draws to a close. yeah, we had pistachios, which made k-lo's day, but we still lost. as usual. johnny T single handedly prevented a shut-out with his in-the-park home run, and we scored 4 monster runs in the last inning, thanks to a whopping smack to the parking lot by our newest recruit Jason (JJ) who has come to the nation's capital to slave away at a phD, which will keep him on the team for a number of years to come. we all agreed the other team had some major steroid-taking hitters and without micah in center field making the catches and senor hospital preventing anything from getting by him we would have had a miserable time fielding.
so there you have it. thanks to all who made it a great season. last night was most likely our 75th game (khlamad has attended nearly all of them) since our first day playing against the Sea Sluggers in Silver Spring who began our history of humiliation on the field. but we never cried or complained (except for jules). bravo!
before i send a scathing email to the shaw residents listserv about that gentrifing biyatch who let her dog shit in center field during our warm up, it is with great sadness yet pride that our epic 5th season draws to a close. yeah, we had pistachios, which made k-lo's day, but we still lost. as usual. johnny T single handedly prevented a shut-out with his in-the-park home run, and we scored 4 monster runs in the last inning, thanks to a whopping smack to the parking lot by our newest recruit Jason (JJ) who has come to the nation's capital to slave away at a phD, which will keep him on the team for a number of years to come. we all agreed the other team had some major steroid-taking hitters and without micah in center field making the catches and senor hospital preventing anything from getting by him we would have had a miserable time fielding.
so there you have it. thanks to all who made it a great season. last night was most likely our 75th game (khlamad has attended nearly all of them) since our first day playing against the Sea Sluggers in Silver Spring who began our history of humiliation on the field. but we never cried or complained (except for jules). bravo!
Friday, August 11, 2006
History is Re-Written in NW DC; Softball Team Surprised, Drunk
August 10, 2006 - Home Field in Ghetto NW, Washington DC - History was recently re-written by a veteran beer-drinking/softball-game-losing team Bases Loaded who clinched a 5th inning win against notorious dominators, 12th place ranked team Natural Disasters today in the nation's capital.
"Our expectations are just about as low as the cloud ceiling," sighed Khlamad, the Bases Loaded (BL) catcher and grillmaster as he poked a chicken and garlic sausage and shooed away rats with a pair of kitchen thongs. When up at bat, innings are often pretty short for BL, as 3 outs are generally made before you have time to mustard your dog or refill your beverage. And so started the game, which featured many spilled beers and unforced errors in the field and thankfully only one post-game appearance by resident crackhead "Motormouth." Things started to turn however, a proverbial page was turned by bottom of the batting roster. Coach A fired a fine double to center field using the infamous Hammer bat with poo donut, a BL asset which made a recent re-appearance after a month of sitting in a Honda Civic Hybrid trunk. Coach was followed by two new ringers, who completed a poor late-season showing of BL regulars. Despite their lack of insurance and official spot on the roster, Barnabe "Frenchie" Schwartz and "Moustache Ride" Ethan did some significant damage to the Natural Disaster's comfortable lead.
And that's precisely when the BL fielding followed suit, and the tide turned with the weather. Some great catches by Johnny T in the outfield, and the soon to be 29 year-old K-lo at second, despite continued poor pitching and failure to throw to first by coach A. She was quickly relieved by Moustache Man and the proverbial BL freight train gained speed. "I don't think they're shotgunning enough beers," exclaimed former Natural Disasters head coach Smashley, "seriously, are these kids sober? That's so not fair" as she kicked her glove down in disgust.
BL, unaccustomed to simoultaneous success both at bat and in the field, continued their quest with reserved, nervous enthusiasm. Ass Ass coach Erika Wilson clutched her koozy and stared blankly into the distant ghetto of O street. Newest recruit Harriet Nash, visibly shaken from her recent poop scooping muttered with disdain, "I have to pee. Again." As the sun started to set on a tie game, a neon yellow ball was pitched, and thrilling base running and catches ensued. Frenchie redeemed his earlier over-run at second base by whacking a nice double. K-lo's previous "I thought you said you knew how to play?!" demands were now a moment of the past. "Bad Luck" #13 Annie got to wear the patriotic hat as a reward for a stunning double, and Unce Phatt scored the first sombrero home run of the evening as the Natural Disasters offense and defence quickly crumbled like a stale organic Trader Joe's hot dog bun.
But the final game-defining, exhilarating highlights of thursday's game came when Irishman Fletch caught a dangerous pop fly in right field holding a amply mustarded dawg in one hand. Lacking the available limbs to throw the ball in, Fletch darted to third with unprecedented speed,just barely thwarting a tag-up run to home. Clearly, BL held the upper hand of the short game, and one could imagine that hand was holding a spicy sausage, a beer and a shot of goldschalger. Quickly scrambling for last licks, BL had several chances to name a "hero." Coach A stepped up to the plate and missed, while Barnabe followed through with a double, overcoming the threats from the dugout and fear of cheese-eating monkey failure; defining the French capacity to play American ball.
Ultimately, the game was sealed by a knock-out unbelievable soaring whack to the parking lot/toilet beyond left field fence. The Natural Disaster's relunctantly accepted their fate as the ball momentarilty exited the Earth's orbit and landed somewhere far, far away. This reporter, whose heart was flooded by a tsunami of joy and tears did not note the final score of the game, but these minor details remain quite simply, insiginificant compared to the momentous evening's events. A big home plate group hug and donning of the celebratory sombrero, replete with shots of goldschlager closed a heart-warming chapter in the amazing saga of a humble softball team defined by persistence, courage and the finest, cheapest canned beer.
"Our expectations are just about as low as the cloud ceiling," sighed Khlamad, the Bases Loaded (BL) catcher and grillmaster as he poked a chicken and garlic sausage and shooed away rats with a pair of kitchen thongs. When up at bat, innings are often pretty short for BL, as 3 outs are generally made before you have time to mustard your dog or refill your beverage. And so started the game, which featured many spilled beers and unforced errors in the field and thankfully only one post-game appearance by resident crackhead "Motormouth." Things started to turn however, a proverbial page was turned by bottom of the batting roster. Coach A fired a fine double to center field using the infamous Hammer bat with poo donut, a BL asset which made a recent re-appearance after a month of sitting in a Honda Civic Hybrid trunk. Coach was followed by two new ringers, who completed a poor late-season showing of BL regulars. Despite their lack of insurance and official spot on the roster, Barnabe "Frenchie" Schwartz and "Moustache Ride" Ethan did some significant damage to the Natural Disaster's comfortable lead.
And that's precisely when the BL fielding followed suit, and the tide turned with the weather. Some great catches by Johnny T in the outfield, and the soon to be 29 year-old K-lo at second, despite continued poor pitching and failure to throw to first by coach A. She was quickly relieved by Moustache Man and the proverbial BL freight train gained speed. "I don't think they're shotgunning enough beers," exclaimed former Natural Disasters head coach Smashley, "seriously, are these kids sober? That's so not fair" as she kicked her glove down in disgust.
BL, unaccustomed to simoultaneous success both at bat and in the field, continued their quest with reserved, nervous enthusiasm. Ass Ass coach Erika Wilson clutched her koozy and stared blankly into the distant ghetto of O street. Newest recruit Harriet Nash, visibly shaken from her recent poop scooping muttered with disdain, "I have to pee. Again." As the sun started to set on a tie game, a neon yellow ball was pitched, and thrilling base running and catches ensued. Frenchie redeemed his earlier over-run at second base by whacking a nice double. K-lo's previous "I thought you said you knew how to play?!" demands were now a moment of the past. "Bad Luck" #13 Annie got to wear the patriotic hat as a reward for a stunning double, and Unce Phatt scored the first sombrero home run of the evening as the Natural Disasters offense and defence quickly crumbled like a stale organic Trader Joe's hot dog bun.
But the final game-defining, exhilarating highlights of thursday's game came when Irishman Fletch caught a dangerous pop fly in right field holding a amply mustarded dawg in one hand. Lacking the available limbs to throw the ball in, Fletch darted to third with unprecedented speed,just barely thwarting a tag-up run to home. Clearly, BL held the upper hand of the short game, and one could imagine that hand was holding a spicy sausage, a beer and a shot of goldschalger. Quickly scrambling for last licks, BL had several chances to name a "hero." Coach A stepped up to the plate and missed, while Barnabe followed through with a double, overcoming the threats from the dugout and fear of cheese-eating monkey failure; defining the French capacity to play American ball.
Ultimately, the game was sealed by a knock-out unbelievable soaring whack to the parking lot/toilet beyond left field fence. The Natural Disaster's relunctantly accepted their fate as the ball momentarilty exited the Earth's orbit and landed somewhere far, far away. This reporter, whose heart was flooded by a tsunami of joy and tears did not note the final score of the game, but these minor details remain quite simply, insiginificant compared to the momentous evening's events. A big home plate group hug and donning of the celebratory sombrero, replete with shots of goldschlager closed a heart-warming chapter in the amazing saga of a humble softball team defined by persistence, courage and the finest, cheapest canned beer.
one perspective...
In the most anticipated rivalry since Shaq and Kobe, the Natural Disasters met Bases Loaded at Ghett-O park Thursday night for their second matchup of the 2006 season! Coach A's sacrifice to the rain gods had paid off, so the bases were laid and the infield grass was combed for hypodermic needles, which had mysteriously grown about 4 inches taller than the outfield. As both teams began warming up, though, the love and smell of dog poo that was in the air began to dissipate. Uncle Phatt threw a ball over his teammate's head, hitting Nicci in the wrist--which sent her running in circles, and eventually to Damian! Fortunately, EMT Blake had just arrived to the scene, and he dressed Nicci's wounds, while Cap'n Smash poured her a cold Miller Lite. Who says Disasters aren't troopers!
With the rest of the players beginning to trickle in, we decided once again to share the 3rd base dugout between both teams. The sacred "home run sombrero" and beer bong were hung on the chain link with care, with hopes that beer chugging soon would be there. Bases Loaded's Khlamad, with help from former Special Forces bada$$ Damian, got the fire going on the non-starter charcoal grill, while the bug spray was passed from player to player. As the coals started glowing, so did the Disaster bats, who lead off the first inning with a single by Deena and RBI double by Yier. After scoring 3 runs, the Disasters were off to a great start! Bases Loaded responded by barraging Yier with fly balls in left field, but were held to only one run by the bottom of the first.
The second inning was when all the fun began. Cap'n Smash, who played in flip flops the whole game, shotgunned a beer at home plate, then beat the throw to first for a single. Next Damian and Deena knocked in singles, followed by Yier, who dribbled an RBI to the pitcher. Hoping he could don the sombrero, Blake crushed a blow to the outfield, but couldn't beat the throw at home, and was tagged out. No sombrero for you! Nevertheless, he had knocked in two more runs, and by the bottom of the inning the score was 7-1. Leading off, Bases Loaded put their new recruit up to bat, who we nicknamed "French Geronimo." At first Francois tried to drag bunt down the 1st base line (don't they all?), then overran second base! "Next time use the Meeshell Smith bat," the Disasters taunted!
In the top of the third inning, Chuck decided to finally put the beer bong to good use. He wolfed down a cold one in 1.9 seconds and then jacked a pitch right to the fence. (The Disasters will employ this tactic in the tournament, by the way.) With one more run on the board, and the smell of brats settling in, the evening was turning out to be pretty good. The beer was obviously helping, because our defensive skills that inning were remarkable. Alicia made an awesome one hop grab in right field, and Deena had two outs at second. Then Derrick made an Alfonso Soriano-like catch, sprinting halfway across the outfield to snag a well-hit fly ball. "I can't believe the ball stuck right in my glove!" he exclaimed. "I'm just glad the Disasters chose not to trade me after all," he stated in a press conference after the game. Shortly thereafter, Derrick agreed to a 5-year contract extension. Keeping the Bases scoreless in the 3rd, an 8-2 lead made us (the 10th ranked team in Congsoftball!) a little too comfortable, though. In the 4th inning, Bases Loaded began their comeback, lead by their shortstop John who clobbered the ball to the outfield fence. 4 runs later, the score was nearly tied! But by the bottom of the 4th, the chicken brats and veggie dogs were finally ready for consumption. Hopefully this would give our team the much-needed sustenance to hold off the hungry, albeit winless, Bases!
With darkness setting in by just the 5th inning, it was time to switch to the yellow ball. An easy 3-up, 3-down order was all it would take to seal the victory. Cap'n Smash turned around and gave batter Kristy her butt as a target at third base, which she nearly actually hit with a rip down the third base line! Just two batters later, their third base coach Fletch "Bill it to the Underhills" had another line drive to left field. Then, when argumentation ensued over who should be the cutoff man, the Disasters finally lost their composure. The Bases had set fire to their bats all of a sudden, with hit after hit after hit! Finally, when big man Uncle Phatt hit a 3-run homer to the fence, the last nail had been put in the coffin. Calling the game on account of errors, um, I mean darkness, the Disasters admitted defeat to the mighty Bases. Final score 10-13!
Both teams retreated to their cozy third bases dugout, where we polished off the brats and beer and toasted Goldschlager shots! After the tournament, we'll be playing a final time, hopefully at the end of September. Keep your calendars clear for the "Jules Rules" game, which promises to be the best showdown yet!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
50% chance of rain...100% chance of getting loaded
rain rain, bitch! go away!
Bases Loaded has a big game today
i know humidity's good for my curly hair
can't you just go to Ohio, i hear there's a drought over there
our cigarettes and beer, they're gonna be all soggy
and our outfield, it's already marshlike - almost boggy
i bought 50 hot dogs and healthy whole wheat buns
for us to eat while we score (very few) home runs
our opponent is missing their best player (wagner!)
which will turn our team into a Natural Disaster slayer
a rainout tonight, would just be a bummer
because, we haven't won a single game all summer
ok, unless you count two forfeits and that game in may
that you guys won while coach A was away
seriously y'all, i haven't had a beer all week!
ok..i'm lying, i know sobriety makes you weak.
tonight is the return of big man uncle phatt
who in his electric car, has our sombrero and super special bat
k-lo is carrying a beer bong, bases on the metro
let's hope they don't get stolen at gunpoint in the ghett(r)o
our lady infield has perfected the "bend and flip"
around the horn, calling safe at second? oh they'll give you some lip
with our awesome pitcher, i hear she's packin' heat
throwing all strikes tonight, no balls, a most noble feat,
tonight i have a few ringers, some good swingers can't hurt
seriously, these guys are gonna raise the terror threat alert
because cooker jules and chris, well they have to work
in their kitchens (planning weddings?), dishwashers going' bezerk
ned and sue they're off to grad school
out drinkin' with co-eds, getting phDs to make them cool
so please just for now, clear up the sky
and let our dugout and home plate mud dry
what will it take, human sacrifice?
for the rain to cooperate, just play nice?
i offer you Joel, who plays third base,
we've got tons of cuter girls who can take his place
still, you just can't stop the BL studebaker freight train,
we'll still go out and get drunk, if it really starts to rain
location to be determined, i say: the red roof inn!
or perhaps my brother's place? if they let us in
so i'm going to log into NOAA's weather.gov
checking the radar, please show BL some love!
i'm begging you look, i'm down on my knees
won't you stop the drizzle from 6 tp 9pm, pretty please?
Bases Loaded has a big game today
i know humidity's good for my curly hair
can't you just go to Ohio, i hear there's a drought over there
our cigarettes and beer, they're gonna be all soggy
and our outfield, it's already marshlike - almost boggy
i bought 50 hot dogs and healthy whole wheat buns
for us to eat while we score (very few) home runs
our opponent is missing their best player (wagner!)
which will turn our team into a Natural Disaster slayer
a rainout tonight, would just be a bummer
because, we haven't won a single game all summer
ok, unless you count two forfeits and that game in may
that you guys won while coach A was away
seriously y'all, i haven't had a beer all week!
ok..i'm lying, i know sobriety makes you weak.
tonight is the return of big man uncle phatt
who in his electric car, has our sombrero and super special bat
k-lo is carrying a beer bong, bases on the metro
let's hope they don't get stolen at gunpoint in the ghett(r)o
our lady infield has perfected the "bend and flip"
around the horn, calling safe at second? oh they'll give you some lip
with our awesome pitcher, i hear she's packin' heat
throwing all strikes tonight, no balls, a most noble feat,
tonight i have a few ringers, some good swingers can't hurt
seriously, these guys are gonna raise the terror threat alert
because cooker jules and chris, well they have to work
in their kitchens (planning weddings?), dishwashers going' bezerk
ned and sue they're off to grad school
out drinkin' with co-eds, getting phDs to make them cool
so please just for now, clear up the sky
and let our dugout and home plate mud dry
what will it take, human sacrifice?
for the rain to cooperate, just play nice?
i offer you Joel, who plays third base,
we've got tons of cuter girls who can take his place
still, you just can't stop the BL studebaker freight train,
we'll still go out and get drunk, if it really starts to rain
location to be determined, i say: the red roof inn!
or perhaps my brother's place? if they let us in
so i'm going to log into NOAA's weather.gov
checking the radar, please show BL some love!
i'm begging you look, i'm down on my knees
won't you stop the drizzle from 6 tp 9pm, pretty please?
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