he scores all our runs...essential to the team
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
what your coach does all day
you're probably asking yourself, man, this coaching business is puppy chow, what the hell does coach A really do all day? because i know you think i'm just coasting downhill now, as all the games are lined up, fletch got the permits, y'all bringing fine cheap beer by the dozen, but no. NO. you need to know that the varied daily duties of email shittalking keep me busy almost every hour of nearly every day, for there is no rest for the provoker!
when a new game and a new team are on the horizon, my first step is research. who are these losers? have we played them before? did we win? are they cute? what weaknesses can we exploit? what are their ideological leanings? and so on and so forth.
then comes the email composition stage, replete with puns and insults, clever antecdotes from current events, all necessary to thwart our enemies. what greeting should i use? is "hey scumbag, i hear you losers are under investigation" inappropriate? will any f-bombs prevent my email from reaching the @senate.gov domain?
then, i must talk up our assets: our most awesome scoring history, the sombrero, our hot cute tank tops, and our third base coaching prowess, Joel, all to instill both fear and awe in the potential opponents.
then, i must excite the team, enthrall bases loaded with fantasies of victory, hot lawyers, tube steaks and post-game libations.
now of course, don't think there aren't any consequences from this daily strike...because they are many: the death threats, the unwelcome advances from team captains (shudder), the "please take me off this list" responses...
all in a [government] day's work!
as such, the past few weeks have seen more shittalking than ever. faced with rain cancellations, the rumours of non-roster ringers, the increased political friction hovering over the capitol, ned leaving (tear), my bold statement declaring to the other 169 team captains that Bases Loaded is the "hands down cutest" team in the league may have gone too far. yes, i did say we play in bikini bottoms and tight tank tops and lots of mascara, where our cuteness is only surpassed by our near-perfect excecution of the bend and snap. um, and in a reply-to-all haste i did liken the guys on our team to "male cheerleaders," the post-high school metaphor to describe losers who get to hang out with all the hot chicks, but that we'll still crush them because our girly men are the finest third base coaches around.
that being said, this next game has a lot at stake.
for one, we are playing for champion of the universe, total supreme league hotness, eternal bragging rights and well, if we lose we have to give them Joel.
so come on out, look hot ladies, and WIN! do it for the team, do it for Joel.
when a new game and a new team are on the horizon, my first step is research. who are these losers? have we played them before? did we win? are they cute? what weaknesses can we exploit? what are their ideological leanings? and so on and so forth.
then comes the email composition stage, replete with puns and insults, clever antecdotes from current events, all necessary to thwart our enemies. what greeting should i use? is "hey scumbag, i hear you losers are under investigation" inappropriate? will any f-bombs prevent my email from reaching the @senate.gov domain?
then, i must talk up our assets: our most awesome scoring history, the sombrero, our hot cute tank tops, and our third base coaching prowess, Joel, all to instill both fear and awe in the potential opponents.
then, i must excite the team, enthrall bases loaded with fantasies of victory, hot lawyers, tube steaks and post-game libations.
now of course, don't think there aren't any consequences from this daily strike...because they are many: the death threats, the unwelcome advances from team captains (shudder), the "please take me off this list" responses...
all in a [government] day's work!
as such, the past few weeks have seen more shittalking than ever. faced with rain cancellations, the rumours of non-roster ringers, the increased political friction hovering over the capitol, ned leaving (tear), my bold statement declaring to the other 169 team captains that Bases Loaded is the "hands down cutest" team in the league may have gone too far. yes, i did say we play in bikini bottoms and tight tank tops and lots of mascara, where our cuteness is only surpassed by our near-perfect excecution of the bend and snap. um, and in a reply-to-all haste i did liken the guys on our team to "male cheerleaders," the post-high school metaphor to describe losers who get to hang out with all the hot chicks, but that we'll still crush them because our girly men are the finest third base coaches around.
that being said, this next game has a lot at stake.
for one, we are playing for champion of the universe, total supreme league hotness, eternal bragging rights and well, if we lose we have to give them Joel.
so come on out, look hot ladies, and WIN! do it for the team, do it for Joel.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
recap: BL vs. notorious DOC losers. verdict: john sucks
As promised, this interminable email is dedicated to john's thrilling 4th inning pop-up drop and all-around pretty crappy hitting. we hope some negative criticism will help get his glove back on track.
so it was a beautiful afternoon in crapitol hill, with local spectators eagerly watching from their porches - especially big phatty in right field, anybody catch a glimpse of that guy? the sun: warm, the grass: soft, the field: tiny. bases: hungy for a win, and on top of their game...for the first inning at least. the small field made for some interesting strategy, as anything over the fence was an automatic out - so it was all about precision and, in my case especially, laying off my monster swing...we scored 3 runs in the first with some breakneck speed base running, and savvy base coaching. there was drama in their outfield clouded with specacular 4 person collisions and bloody lips - a problem BL thankfully never has to worry about.
our fielding, in contrast was top notch, lots of great plays by annie at second, awesome catches by master fielder tom C, and ned. big props to team Canada - my special guest Jamie, who scored a few triples, played a great first base (which erased his big fumble in the outfield) and did some excellent base coaching, calling me safe at first when i totally wasn't. that's right, learn from the Canadian, John! oh, and billy: you're a lazy bum who needs to get off that bench more often.
so then i really had to pee and made a big puddle near some garbage cans and mooned some old lady and that's precisely when our luck changed...we stopped scoring, DOC didn't and managed to pull ahead. barely. but they were a fun bunch nonetheless - we hit the union pub afterwards and they actually tried to bet on some hockey trivia with Jamie. what were they thinking? those losers owe us a bucket of buds. they just might be worthy of the 4 team mini-tourney in august...especially if they bring their first baseman, who was totally cute, but then again he's an intern barely pushing 23 with no future ever since he messed up his first attempt at securing a field on the mall and ruined his chances of getting any positive letters of recommendation....we'll still keep them in mind. tho.
but here is some more exciting news for ya - watch the Daily Show feature on the softball league succession by the republicans. check it out.
and finally, FLETCH IS THE MAN! we will be buying all his drinks for the rest of the season as he was able to swoon the lady at Park Service into getting us permits for Bundy field (5th and O NW) for pretty much every game this season - including the next one, wednesday june 28th. it must be those freckles!
so it was a beautiful afternoon in crapitol hill, with local spectators eagerly watching from their porches - especially big phatty in right field, anybody catch a glimpse of that guy? the sun: warm, the grass: soft, the field: tiny. bases: hungy for a win, and on top of their game...for the first inning at least. the small field made for some interesting strategy, as anything over the fence was an automatic out - so it was all about precision and, in my case especially, laying off my monster swing...we scored 3 runs in the first with some breakneck speed base running, and savvy base coaching. there was drama in their outfield clouded with specacular 4 person collisions and bloody lips - a problem BL thankfully never has to worry about.
our fielding, in contrast was top notch, lots of great plays by annie at second, awesome catches by master fielder tom C, and ned. big props to team Canada - my special guest Jamie, who scored a few triples, played a great first base (which erased his big fumble in the outfield) and did some excellent base coaching, calling me safe at first when i totally wasn't. that's right, learn from the Canadian, John! oh, and billy: you're a lazy bum who needs to get off that bench more often.
so then i really had to pee and made a big puddle near some garbage cans and mooned some old lady and that's precisely when our luck changed...we stopped scoring, DOC didn't and managed to pull ahead. barely. but they were a fun bunch nonetheless - we hit the union pub afterwards and they actually tried to bet on some hockey trivia with Jamie. what were they thinking? those losers owe us a bucket of buds. they just might be worthy of the 4 team mini-tourney in august...especially if they bring their first baseman, who was totally cute, but then again he's an intern barely pushing 23 with no future ever since he messed up his first attempt at securing a field on the mall and ruined his chances of getting any positive letters of recommendation....we'll still keep them in mind. tho.
but here is some more exciting news for ya - watch the Daily Show feature on the softball league succession by the republicans. check it out.
and finally, FLETCH IS THE MAN! we will be buying all his drinks for the rest of the season as he was able to swoon the lady at Park Service into getting us permits for Bundy field (5th and O NW) for pretty much every game this season - including the next one, wednesday june 28th. it must be those freckles!
Thursday, June 01, 2006
june 1 recap
judging from the magnitude of my hangover when i awoke this am, the mix of pbr and meat and peanuts in my mouth, i honestly questioned myself, for a split second....did we win last nite?? i mean, i remember sitting at chief ikes with my BL cup talking to john about the rally panties - no wait, the rally nipple clamps - and some really great hitting by pretty much everyone - micah with a 3-run RBI whack, first time-swinging-since-church-league justin trainwreck, chef duo chris and jules, even me! my drunkenness erased any other notable swings, sorry. our fielding was awesome too, making lots of catches and awesome infield plays. some aggressive base running, and i did a k-lo style tag-up to steal home - i left way early, but only to stick it in the other team's face...ugh, don't remind me of the other team.
the other team was typical: a bunch of non-drinking losers who got a batch of batting gloves on sale (did you see all the chicks wearing two? they still sucked) and somehow managed to mate and produce viable offspring. seriously, their third base coaching was pathetic. but you know what? this streak isn't going to last long, i promise you. especially since i leave for canada today, leaving the team in the very capable (and delicately manicured) hands of my ass and ass ass coaches, k-lo and erika. justin hospital and i will be floating on a houseboat in the victoria harbour and we expect to hear the roar of BL home runs 3 time zones away. no really, we usually win when i'm out of town.
take care, and keep swinging - except at the fireplace, jules
-coach A
the other team was typical: a bunch of non-drinking losers who got a batch of batting gloves on sale (did you see all the chicks wearing two? they still sucked) and somehow managed to mate and produce viable offspring. seriously, their third base coaching was pathetic. but you know what? this streak isn't going to last long, i promise you. especially since i leave for canada today, leaving the team in the very capable (and delicately manicured) hands of my ass and ass ass coaches, k-lo and erika. justin hospital and i will be floating on a houseboat in the victoria harbour and we expect to hear the roar of BL home runs 3 time zones away. no really, we usually win when i'm out of town.
take care, and keep swinging - except at the fireplace, jules
-coach A
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Bases Loaded and Bob Dole
My fellow team mates,I want you all to know that your concerns are always forefront in my mind, on and off the field.
As such, when meeting the honorable senator Bob Dole on saturday night, the topic of bases loaded, and everyone's constitutional right to get loaded and play ball was the spotlight of the discussion. we chatted at great length about the evils that limit our freedom each and every wednesday...the difficulty in getting field permits, restrictions on alcohol in public places and schools, as well as the new low calorie/low carb frenzy that is attacking the very core of our souls: the taste of canned malt beverages. as he shook my left hand, clucthing his pen with his right, he promised, along with his bodyguard/chauffeur, wilbert, to do his best to bring the plight of bases loaded to the hill and to the forefront of our nation's political agenda.
i invited him to our next game, but he wasn't sure he could make it, i think he's going to be in vegas. again.
always fighting for you,
coach A
Thursday, May 25, 2006
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